The UFO/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now it's time for the greatest show in the history of television, the program that appreciates the medium and is leading the way in terms of content, look, and sheer power. Yes, it's "the red green show," starring the dynamic and forceful man of action, my uncle, and quite possibly, the sexiest man alive, red green... Green...Green...Green...Green! Thank you very much, harold. Thank you, and welcome to the show. Thanks for watching. We got a real dynamic, uh, show for you tonight -- uh, a lot of guests and film clips and, uh, what have you, and, uh, all right, so... [ yawns ] a real good show -- a good show. [ laughs ] don't do that. Yeah, I... Sorry. Uh, we were up a bit late last night. Uh, we were looking for u.F.O.S -- you know, weird things from outer space. Speaking of which, come on over here a minute, harold. Uh, harold is my nephew and also the producer and, uh, the director of the show. He's a real, uh, jerk-of-all-trades. Plus, I do this. [ keyboard clacking ] that takes us into the next segment, you know, in case this one's dragging or something like that. So, naturally, I, you know, need all these buttons. [ laughs ] I'm busy. Yeah, well, so, anyhow, uh, like I say, we were watching for u.F.O.S. We were having a skinny-dip after dinner, and we saw this huge thing kind of go through the air. And we thought at first that it was moose thompson, but, uh, this seemed to have some intelligence to it. Did it look anything like this? No, not at all. Oh, well, that eliminates that. That eliminates what? You finishing your story. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ we go out every Friday drinking with the boys ♪ ♪ we raise up a ruckus and make lots of noise ♪ ♪ break most of our... ♪ ♪ we break... ♪ ♪ most of our promises ♪ no. ♪ we break all our promises and most of our toys ♪ ♪ Friday-night drinking with the boys ♪ yeah, nicer. Yeah. ♪ drinkin'! ♪ ♪ drinkin' with the boys ♪ ♪ drinkin'! ♪ ♪ drinkin' with the boys ♪ ♪ 200 beers each one of us destroys ♪ ♪ I love to go drinkin' ♪ ♪ drinkin' with the boys ♪ ♪ too bad they're all dead now ♪ this week, uh, in the "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to, uh -- how to refinish furniture, and it's kind of a new technique that we're using here. Now, ordinarily, when, uh, I was gonna refinish, say, a beautiful old chair like this, uh, I would take just an ordinary dinner knife and, uh, just kind of, you know, get that paint and what have you off of there. Um, the problem with that is it -- it does, uh, create the occasional blemish, uh, on the furniture, and it makes dinner taste funny. Uh, now, the alternative that most people go with is some sort of a chemical, uh, stripper. Uh, don't ever say that around old man sedgwick. Uh, but we don't like to use the chemicals uh, up at the -- up at the lodge because, uh, one time, stinky peterson, uh, stripped down the two-holer, uh, and he hasn't been able to think of anything that happened between 1985 and 1987. So, uh, what we like to use, and I think the best way, to take finish off old furniture is one of those heat guns, uh, which will cost you, actually, up to about 40 bucks. But we have a way around that. Uh, I'm sure everybody has a few hair dryers lying around the house -- uh, you know, one in the kids' room, one in the daughter's room, one in the wife's room, maybe one in the grandmother's room, and one in your own room. Maybe you use them to dry the baby's bottom or whatever. Uh, what you do is you get about six of these together, and then you get an old, broken-down, uh, hockey stick, like this. Oh. No, this is actually a good hockey stick. Well, I don't want to use a good hockey stick for this. [ thumping ] there. Okay, now, uh, we got the hockey stick, and, uh, what we do is, uh, we attach the hair dryers, uh, to the stick using, uh, the handyman's secret weapon... ...Duct tape. All right, well, we got her all set here, and I got them all kind of generally pointing the same direction. Now, a problem I could run into is these are about 1,500 watts' power each, and we got six of them, so there's, uh -- there's, uh, I guess, over 7,000 or 8,000 watts of power there, which is too much for your normal household circuit, so, uh, what I done was I took the fuse out, and I replaced it with a nickel -- works great and only costs 5 cents. So, anyway, uh, we'll pick this baby up, and we're ready to show you how it works on the chair. All right, do you want to hit the power there? [ hair dryers whirring ] turn it down! The chair, uh, maybe doesn't need it as much as the workbench. We can use it on the workbench. Well, you get the idea, so -- so, remember, until next time -- do you want to kill the power? -- Until next time, if you can't be a handsome man, you can be a handyman or -- or something like that. [ whirring continues ] uncle red will be right back with his extraterrestrials. Hey, wait a minute -- I have the same number of terrestrials as anybody else. You know, harold, I've met some people over the years -- vegetarians. You ever heard of them? Yeah, they're people who won't eat meat unless it's, like, grown in the ground. Yeah, yeah. Uh, I hope this never happens to you, harold. Have you seen them? They look like big green beans. They're a little pale. They're green. They're not pale -- they're green. Green? Yeah. I guess there's a green pale, so in that way, you could say they're pale. That's true. [ laughs ] I don't get that. Okay. But the saying is, you are what you eat, all right? Uh-oh. Why do you think we never have rump roast? That explains a lot. Oh, yeah. The vegetarian thing, to me, is -- it's an animal thing. Rabbit? Look out! [ buzzing ] be very calm. They can smell fear. [ sniffs ] so can I. That's me. I'm sorry. I was a little more afraid than he was. See, if you were a vegetarian, we may not have had that problem. Well, if I was a vegetarian, I would have ate him. There's no meat on a bug like that. [ wind blowing ] "it is winter, a time to pause. "the driveway is half shoveled out, "but I lay down the shovel, "and I pause to enjoy this moment. After all, this is my first heart attack." so, anyway, uh, like I was saying about u.F.O. Sightings, uh, a bunch of us were having a late-night skinny-dip last night, and, uh, this u.F.O. Come down about treetop level, hovered there for a little while, then it took off about a trillion miles an hour. And it comes rolling back down, screeches to a halt, but without the screech. No way, uncle red. These things always turn out to be, like, swamp gas or weather balloons or cafeteria food. There are aliens and they exist, harold, and they're watching us. It's just that the government is keeping the whole thing a big secret. Well, so am I. Uh, this here is the first book I ever read. It's three or four years ago now. It's, uh, "the wind in the willows" by kenneth grahame. Uh, there's nothing quite as good as messing in boats -- I'm kind of paraphrasing -- either messing in them or messing out of them, but just messing around, uh, with boats. That's what -- that's what kenneth grahame said. My friend jimmy mcveigh is a -- he's a postal worker, and he's been messing around with this boat for a while. And, actually, he's made, uh, quite a mess of it, hasn't he? Oh, here comes jimmy now. How you doing, jim? [ irish accent ] bloody hell! Look at this. Look at that, red! God. Another bloody pair of pants ruined! Oh. Oh. I take my life in my hands every time I go out on this career. I mean, I risk my life for people like ed mcmahon -- bloody junk mail. I could get rabies, you know? Boy, dogs hate posties, don't they, jim? Dogs? That was no dog did that. A man bit me -- bloody lunatic -- just because I was a couple of weeks late delivering his pension check. An old man? It was. Yeah, the senior citizens -- they go off their nut. They're bonkers, just because they didn't get a letter from home or from the grandchildren. Why can't they pick up the bloody telephone? Let's forget that. Let's talk about the boat. That's a different thing. Ah, now you're talking my language. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look at that. [ gasps ] this boat is my salvation. Yeah. This is my relief in life. Yeah. My darling, my beauty. Yeah, yeah. I love her. [ chuckles ] this boat's, uh, like a wife for you, isn't it, jim? Red, this boat is not like a wife. This boat is here when I come home every afternoon. I mean, this boat did not take off with the tv and the vc-bloody-r. No. No. Oh, no, no. This boat is my friend. [ smooches ] uh, you know, uh, jimmy, kenneth grahame said there's nothing more important than messing about in boats, and, well, this is for you. Geez, thanks very much, red. No problem. I think I could make good use of this. I need a 3/4-inch shim for that motor in there. No, no, no, no. No, jimmy, this is an original, autographed edition, I mean, by the author. Oh, I see. Well, I only need to take it down to 3/4. Jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. This book's worth $270. Well, that bloody motor in there is worth $2,000! You tell me what's more important. Here's 60 bucks' worth. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ dance ♪ ♪ I'm up past the tundra where the polar bears dance ♪ ♪ I got snow in my face and ice in my pants ♪ ♪ I'm fishing the arctic and I just had to phone ya ♪ ♪ 'cause I caught something big ♪ ♪ double pneumonia ♪ [ laughs ] oh, uncle red, that is so weird. I was just gonna read from the viewer mail, and every time, you walk in. For heaven's sakes. That's weird, eh? That's weird. That's so weird. Anyway, here's a letter. Okay, it says, "dear red, I've been watching your show "for a short time now, but it seems longer. "I really like when you do features on winter activities. "have you ever done anything on snowmobiles?" oh, you know that, uh, harold. I certainly have. I've ridden on them. I've, uh, stood up on them. I went into a couple of trees on them. I remember one time -- no, no, uncle red, I think he means on the show. Like, have you ever done a segment on snowmobiles? Oh. Oh, well, yes. Uh, yes, we have. Uh, just last year there, I was out fishing for walleye, and I hooked into a snowmobile, uh, which had gone through the ice the previous winter, and I pulled it right up into the boat. Wow. You must have had like a 1,000-pound test line. Well, you know me. Uh, and if any of the viewers at home wanted to try, uh, fishing for snowmobiles, what you do is you run your line, uh, very deep, uh, big hook, no bait, and, uh, do your fishing out in the center of the lake, where the ice is the thinnest, uh, in the winter. Those things will give you a heck of a fight -- a lot more than, say, a car tire or, uh, even an outboard motor. Yeah. Oh, jeepers. Now, that's fishing. Well, I had a heck of a time landing that, though. Uh, you know, we used a 9-foot dip net, lots of rope, and I bet the boat capsized 300, 400, maybe 500 times before we actually got the unit in there. Boy, that sounds like fun. Well, it's not. Well, let's move to our next segment. I had more to say about the snowmobiles. Yeah, I know. Red: You know, one of the things that you need to learn how to do uh, when you're a woodsman is to set a fire. It's a source of heat, a source of cooking, and it's a source of entertainment. So, uh, bill is gonna show us uh, how to build a fire out in the woods. He's got some paper there. Actually, he's got quite a bit -- quite a bit of stuff in -- in the old coveralls there. You can get a heck of a lot into those, uh -- those coveralls. You got the bib there. My god. What is that? Uh. Oh, yeah, he grabbed my wallet there, and he's quite a kibitzer -- bill. He's actually got more stuff, uh, in the coveralls than, uh, I even thought he -- but you get -- that's -- you get the -- well, there -- well, you're pretty well ready to light it now, I think. That's enough, bill, isn't it? Bill? Bill? All right, all right. I guess he's planning to do some cooking on this. So, uh, anyway, once he's got his fire all set, it's a question of what do you use to start it? And those are matches there. That's normal. Or you could use -- I believe that's a lighter. Magnifying glass -- all right, you know, with the sun, and focus that in on there and, uh... Well, he has a candle there, and... You know, I got to wonder what bill's underwear is made out of. Oh, this is interesting. He had a cigarette light-- a cigarette lighter out of the car. We were kind of convinced -- it went down inside. Oh, my god. Uh, oh. Well, you know, bill can really move, uh, when he's motivated. He was rocketing through the trees, you know? Now, here's something you wouldn't normally think of -- using jumper cables, uh, to start your fire. Uh, what you do, first of all, is... [ clears throat ] ...Uh, hook it up to the battery of your vehicle. [ explosion ] aaaaahhh! You got to be careful with that. Anyway, once they're hooked up on that end, you, uh, just hook the -- the cables right into the fire, and I guess the spark -- the idea is the spark will start this thing up. [ electricity crackling ] [ engine turns over ] well, there she goes. This is a gun that bill had. They say you can actually use a gun to start a fire. [ gunshot ] [ whistling ] and there's dinner. So, all in all, it was a heck of a day -- super time. [ wind blowing ] "it is winter. "in the snow, the tracks of a rabbit, "the tracks of the pheasant, "the tracks of the deer, the tracks of the fox. "and they all stop at the same spot -- where they were run over by the tracks of the snowmobile." uh, if any of you viewers, uh, would like to make a comment or have any questions about what's about to happen, uh, please call harold at home -- not me and not the station. Harold. Okay, war -- whaa? Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, little boys and girls, dogs, cats, and fish. [ laughs ] that's everybody. [ rapping ] ♪ war -- what is it good for? ♪ ♪ absolutely nothing, hunh! ♪ ♪ war -- what is it good for? ♪ ♪ absolutely nothing -- say it again, hunh! ♪ [ laughs ] that's cool. That's -- well, I got to tell you -- war -- war isn't good, right? It's not. It only blows things up. And war -- it's not like a john wayne movie or something, because it's in color. That's true. You know, a great man once said, "war sucks scissors." and, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs, cats, and fish, that great man was me. [ laughs ] war. [ laughs ] I know that a lot of you, uh, teenagers are pretty confused about life these days -- don't know what to say or what to do. This is because of one thing -- your glands. Right now, you see, your glands are trying to take over your body. In some cases, your glands are trying to take over the body of a person standing beside you. And every one of your glands is trying to tell you to do something different, you know, and you got to be careful which gland you listen to, because you can always tell which gland is dominating a person's behavior. Uh, like with moose thompson, it's his stomach. Uh, stinky peterson -- well, what do you think? So, now, there you are, getting all panicky, thinking, "so many glands, so little time." and I'm telling you, just be patient. Every gland will get its turn eventually. [ clears throat ] why be in a hurry for a truss? We'll be right back with the exciting conclusion of the story about the aliens. I'll recalibrate my phaser, just to be on the safe side. Wa-a-a. [ horn honks ] harold, I want you to think about trying something this year in the winter -- camping. Huh? We go out, we just get a tent there, and we go out in 50, 60 below zero. But don't the pegs fall down in the snow? Oh, yeah. No, you don't need pegs. No? No, the tent -- you put the tent up, and it just freezes right the way it is. Oh, that's -- it's certainly an interesting invitation. Well, harold, it's an experience you won't believe. Have you done this ever before? Well, yeah, yeah, I've seen it. You've seen it? Yeah, I saw it. Like the igloos? 'cause I would go in an igloo, but... No. No, you don't want to go in an igloo, 'cause then you wake up in the middle of the night, and you start chewing blubber. Oh. That'd be horrible, 'cause I can barely reach my stomach. Oh, it's closer than you think. Oh. It doesn't have to be a two-man tent, does it? Uh, no, it's better if it's a one-man tent. For the both of us? Yeah. Well, then you keep the heat in. I don't know. Well, really, I have to think about this. Well, I'd like you just to think about it. I'm not asking for a commitment. I'm just saying that -- you know, picture yourself, mid-January. I'm a man of the '90s. Commitment's hard. Oh. Jack! Jack, come on up here! I know you're down there, jack! What do you want? If you're figuring on -- on trying to take away my cave and all my supplies, well, think again, because it's mine. I have a receipt. No, no, no, no. It's just the guys at the lodge were, you know, worried about you, and your wife is worried about you, and your friend -- well, no, but at least your wife is worried about you. Don't worry about me, red. I'm like a wildcat -- you know, I have a-a fifth sense. And I'll tell you something -- pollution... Terrorism, lawyers -- it's all breaking down, red. Oh, yeah. And while the rest of the world is sinking in its own filth and decay, I'm gonna be right here in this cave, and I'm -- aaaah! Jack, you okay? [ echoing ] ahh. Oh, my back. Stupid banana peels. Ugh. Jack, did you hurt yourself? You okay down there? I'm fine. [ chuckles ] so don't mess with me, or I'll mess with you. Aah! Aah! Oh! Jack! Jack, you okay? No problem. Oh! I'm fine. So...Red, what's new? Well, uh, the guys at the lodge are, you know, worried that you were getting enough to eat -- that's all. Well, my -- my seeds came, red, and my canned food arrived. Oh! Ohh! I have enough canned food here to survive for years, stacks and stacks, but you can't have any -- it's all for me. And when I want something to eat, I just reach over to my big stack of cans, pull out some canned gooseberries like this or -- or some fruit cocktail here. [ clattering ] aah! Aaah! Aaah! Jack, you okay? Ow. Ow. And...Then...I eat it. Well, red, I'd love to visit, but -- ohh! -- I have to practice my yoga. Yeah, well, okay, maybe we'll come back later when you're feeling better, you know? Yeah, yeah. I'm -- I'm fine. All right. I feel...Warm, and everything is peaceful and tingly. Well, I don't want to bother you while you're meditating, you know? [ groans ] so, anyway, the bunch of us, as I say, were skinny-dipping, and we saw this u.F.O. Thing. And it came down, and it was just like out of the movie "e.T.," except it was smaller and it didn't have that great song. But it landed in the woods just behind the lodge, so we just went right over there, and we didn't even stop to, you know, get dressed or anything, 'cause we thought, well, you know, maybe they would be intimidated by clothing or possibly allergic to it. So, anyway, we just, all buck-naked, the bunch of us, just, uh, whipped over there, you know? And -- and we also took a gift -- uh, beer. And, uh, we showed them how to drink it. And, uh, then they -- they just started to leave. They got up and everything, and we followed them. We chased them all through the forest and even, actually, up onto the main highway. And we were running down there. And the feet on the asphalt is not a fun thing. And, uh, just as we got close to them, they kind of shimmered out of existence, and the spaceship just rose silently into the night sky. And that's how come the six of us ended up, um, drunk and stark naked in the middle of the main highway. And you ask any one of the bunch of us, and you'll get exactly the same story, word for word. Anyway, my wife is watching. Uh, I'll be home just as soon as I finish talking to my lawyer. So... Hey, on behalf of myself and my nephew over there... Harold. ...Harold -- I knew that -- and the whole bunch of us up here at the lodge, until next time, uh, keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversation ]